I don't want to be this strong all the time anymore

I Don’t Want to Be This Strong All the Time Anymore

After holding so many people on Saturday and supporting them through their healing, my body turned around and said, “Whoa… hang on a minute.” ✋

It came in as back pain. Not a little niggle, but the kind that makes you stop and go… okay, what is this? And if I’m honest, it didn’t just come from Saturday. It’s been building.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been holding a lot of people. Supporting, guiding, being there, giving, holding space… and Saturday was intense. One after another, no real pause, no time to properly breathe in between. Just moving from one person to the next, holding what needed to be held.

And I didn’t really stop to check in with myself.

Because that’s what I’ve always done — carry on, push through, be there for others. That’s who I’ve been for a long time. The one who keeps going, the one who holds it together, the one who shows up no matter what.

But this time, my body didn’t let me carry on. It stopped me. And it didn’t feel like injury. It felt like a message.

So instead of overriding it, I stopped. I listened.

I did a Celestial Chakra Alignment on myself — not to fix anything or make the pain disappear, but to understand what my body was trying to show me. ✨

And what came up wasn’t dramatic. It was quiet, but it was clear.

I realised I’ve been strong for a very long time. Not just in the big, obvious ways, but in all the smaller, quieter ones that no one really sees. The emotional holding, the space I hold for others, the way I support, guide, show up and stay steady. Even when things haven’t been easy, I’ve been the one who continues.

And don’t get me wrong — I’m proud of that.

I love that I’ve become someone who can hold herself, who can navigate life, who can sit with things and not fall apart.

But in that moment, something softened. Because what I felt wasn’t strength. It was the cost of it.

It was tiredness. Not “I can’t cope” tired, not overwhelmed, not broken. Just deeply tired of always being the one who holds everything.

And that’s a very different kind of truth to sit with.

Because I don’t need saving. I don’t need fixing. I’m not looking for someone to come and rescue me. But I am starting to see… I don’t always want to do it on my own anymore. I don’t always want to be the strong one in every moment.

I want to be able to soften too. To be met. To be held — not because I can’t hold myself, but because I don’t always want to have to. 🤍

That awareness didn’t come with a big emotional release. It came with a quiet honesty. A kind of… “ah… there you are.”

And then came the real-life part of it.

I was due to hold more people this week. And normally, I would have. I would have shown up, pushed through the discomfort, and moved straight into the next space, the next person, the next need.

But this time, I didn’t.

I gave myself a little more space. A little more time. A little more breath. 🌿 Not because I can’t hold others, but because I’m learning not to abandon myself in the process.

I’ll be back on Saturday.

But I’ll be back differently. More aware, more honest with myself, more willing to pause between holding others… and holding myself too.

And I’m also noticing something else.

The way I hold others so deeply — the empathy, the care, the ability to feel what they are moving through — is the very thing that now asks me to hold myself in the same way. Not as an afterthought, not once everything else is done, but as part of the process.

Because the healer is not separate from the human.

We feel. We carry. We learn. We soften.

And anyone who says they have nothing left to work through… I wouldn’t believe them. Because this path isn’t about being finished. It’s about being aware enough to keep meeting yourself honestly, layer by layer.

I’m not fixing anything right now. I’m not rushing to shift it or clear it.

I’m just noticing.

Where I’m still holding. Where I can soften. Where I might allow something — or someone — to meet me there.

Because maybe strength isn’t just about how much we can carry.

Maybe it’s also about knowing when we don’t need to carry it all alone anymore.

And for now, that feels like enough. 🌹